The Boy

I love falling in love, the butterflies when I see him, the giddiness that overcomes me when he smiles at me, and the newness of discovering what makes him tick. Sometimes in life we meet people that change everything we once thought. I met that guy once.

The Boy walked into my life without warning. I called him this because he is younger than I am by four years. He is tall and lanky, hardly the type of guy I would normally notice. When I saw him I couldn’t help but smile. Maybe it was his goofy, quirky, yet serious nature that intrigued me. Maybe it was because, as I later found out, he was unlike anyone I had ever met. All I knew was when I was with him all I could do was smile and laugh. Falling for the Boy was easy. It happened overnight.

I had asked him to be the designated driver to a concert that some friends and I were going to attend. I remember getting ready with my friends trying to find an outfit that would turn heads, possibly catch the eye of some cute, random guy. When he showed up, I hardly noticed him. $2 giant warm beers and a free concert. Who would have ever known what I was about to embark on was my best love story to date?

We stumbled over a grassy knoll, and made our way into the rowdy, restless crowd.
When the music began, I started to dance. The beer had kicked in. I was loosening up. I let loose and danced. His arms wrapped around my waist. He pulled me into him. He held me close. The music faded into the background and then he kissed me. I could swear there were fireworks

I was his first girlfriend, and in many ways, he was my first boyfriend.

I had never gone on dates before. I was pregnant before I married my ex husband so I missed that step. The guy I was with prior was much older than I was so we only went to the movies. The Boy, on the other hand, took me out. I felt like I was in a Nicolas Sparks novel. He brought me flowers. We picnicked in the park, went to concerts and wandered around the Getty. We dressed up in our best 50’s inspired outfits for a theme party. In other words, we dated.

Some of my best memories are of him looking at me and catching him wearing a smile. He kissed me in a car. He kissed me on a balcony overlooking a garden and he kissed me in the rain. We were on an beer and burger date in Hollywood when the sky opened up and it started to pour. We were running and laughing looking for some place safe. He found a recessed doorway, stepped in and pulled me on top. We made out like teenagers. Horns were honking and I could hear people yell “Get a room!” As quickly as the rain began it stopped. We were back to reality.

Loving the Boy was easy. It was simple and straightforward. I don’t remember fighting. The one thing that didn’t work in our relationship was my daughter… I had one. This weighed heavily on him. He knew that to be with me eventually he would also have to be with her. He wasn’t ready to take that step and I understood.

Though I didn’t set out to fall in love I did. I had forgotten that we were supposed to only be having fun, never getting too serious. It was too late.

Maybe I showed my hand too early. Maybe my small gestures revealed I wanted more. Maybe I really wanted a relationship. We ended and I was heartbroken. I hid my hurt, deleted his number and pretended he was a dream. I set out on a quest. What I wanted was to forget the Boy. What I found waiting was the Wolf.

Honesty

I kept staring at the picture I had found in his iPad, I kept examining her face. I couldn’t understand why she looked so familiar then it hit me she was there that day I met him for lunch. She was intently looking at me while I was in the car, studying me perhaps, taking note so she wouldn’t make the same mistakes I had. I know now why he was so nervous, so anxious, and so guilty. I remembered asking why that group kept looking over; he said they were curious because he was the boss. He wouldn’t even look at them. I think I knew at the time he was lying but I didn’t want to accept the truth. I like honesty. I like being honest; but my truth is that I’d rather be lied to and I’d rather lie. I’d rather hear pretty words from broken mouths than honest words from fulfilling lips. I’d rather tell a man that he made me come rather than risk disappointing him. The day of my appointment was quickly approaching. My heart ached thinking of the decision I would have to make. Would I be able to go through with it? Could I even bare to have another child of his? Would I grow to resent it as I had grown to resent the Wolf? I sat there watching my son sleep, watching the rise and fall of his chest with each breath. An all too familiar feeling swept over me. I raced to the bathroom, never before had I been so happy to see bright crimson red. I knew in that moment that my prayers had been answered. I wasn’t pregnant after all. I erased the picture. I began to let go. I let go of the hurt I was holding, my anger was dissipating and my head was starting to clear. In retrospect I realize it’s crazy to have texted his girlfriend, and to reached out to his mom expecting her to be loyal to me. I was desperate I was in those moments; I wasn’t ready to just give up. I had wanted to break up with him for so long but I could never go through with it. And I felt robbed of the power of being the one who ended the relationship. I wanted to hurt him the way he hurt me. How could I ever be loved again if I was easily tossed aside by a self-proclaimed sociopath? He used this term to refer to himself frequently. I didn’t want to have to start over again. I didn’t want to have to put the effort into another relationship. I didn’t think that I would be able to have someone love me, now with two children, from two different fathers. I felt like a failure. I had this picture in my head of how my life was supposed to be. And instead my life was falling apart. This time I was the one being brushed-off like I was nothing but someone to pass the time with. This breakup was a slap in the face, a kick in the teeth, the ultimate rejection. I would be fine one moment and in the next I was a wreck. I’ve never been good at masking my emotions. And after he left the tiniest of things would set me off; a text from him or an alert on my phone of yet another charge on my card. The heat of my hate radiated. It propagated. It emanated. I festered in despair. It was so bad that even my ex-husband pulled me aside. He said that I needed to do something. I needed to get over it. I broke down and sobbed. I told him everything that had happened in the past 3 years, though we hadn’t really talked for 5. He listened quietly. He let me vent. When I finally caught my breath we stood there silently. He apologized for the pain I was feeling. Then he said to me “I know exactly what you are going through. I’ve felt everything that you are feeling. I know and I understand. It’s the way I felt when you left me.”

Delirious

***REVISED***

He was always mad. Completely upset to be in the same room as me. I felt the same way. I was happy that he was home but at the same time it was just so upsetting that he was there. It felt like we were strangers.  It was awkward and tense. We both walked on eggshells. He barely noticed at me, but I studied him.  He didn’t look at me anymore; I had forgotten what it was like for him to stare at me instead he stared at his phone. It struck me as strange. His eyes would light up and a smile would creep across his face all because of a buzzing phone. I would ask him who it was; his response was always the same “My boss.”  He changed his password too. When I asked him why, he said it was because of work.  He never left it out and when he did he would go frantically running back for it. He seemed brooding and secretive. Although his hours were shorter at work he never seemed to make it home early. When I would ask if there was someone else taking up his time he would look at me like I was crazy and would reassure me that he was just preoccupied with work.  He was the sole provider for us and made sure to remind me of this daily.  I felt by constantly asking questions I was pushing him further away. I did it anyway. I wanted confirmation of my suspicions.  He never gave me the satisfaction.  I was glad.  I just wasn’t ready to face the facts.

The fighting was constant. We both went in for the kill each and every time. One night was it was just too much I packed up the baby. As I was about to leave he grabbed the car seat tried to pull him from my arms. I stood my ground looked him square in the eye and asked him to step aside; he stood there glaring at me I could feel his rage pulsing off of him. I cleared my throat and told him if he didn’t let go and step out of my way he would regret it. Without unlocking eyes, he let go and moved aside saying that he would never hurt us but all of me knew that he was lying. I could see it in his eyes that he wasn’t there. We left but I didn’t even get down the street without him calling, I kept declining his call but it didn’t stop. I answered he was crying, sobbing, begging us to please come home. He kept apologizing for scaring me saying that he didn’t mean it that he was having a hard time with everything that had been going on. That he had no one to turn to, that life was so hard he just wanted to kill himself. He said he didn’t want to lose us; he couldn’t lose us like he had lost everyone else. I was sitting in the police parking lot. I had wanted to go in because I felt so unsafe, I saw something in his eyes that I had never seen before and I was truly scared. Instead, I turned the car back on and headed back. When we got there the house was dark, his car was gone. I got the baby and I in, within minutes he was back. Unsure of what was going to happen I kept the baby in his seat next to me ready to run just in case. He got on his knees begging me to never leave him like that, profusely saying how he would never hurt us, that he loved us so much. He asked to hold me but I told him that I didn’t feel safe. He looked at me like I had slapped him; he stood up and walked away. When he came back he said that he would move into the other room so that we would feel safe. I instantly regretted what I had said and invited him to talk, we sat there and let out a lot of things that we had been holding on to. Then he said to me that he was sorry for making things hard between my daughter and I, he said that he was jealous of the time I gave her, the love I showed her and that was why he treated her the way he did, he then said if I had ever treated his daughter that way he would have dropped me like a bad habit. I sat there in awe. All these thoughts came rushing to me in a huge wave that knocked me right out of my orbit. I couldn’t think straight, here I was giving my all to this man, I gave my child up for him and he says to me that he would have never done the same. I instantly hated myself for what I had done.
I couldn’t get this feeling out of my system that there was something really wrong. I felt it so strongly but I kept pushing it aside. It had been days since the fight and things were okay, he was nicer, coming home and being sweet again wanting to help with the baby even taking time away from his phone to participate in caring for him. I felt like things could actually get better. We talked again about everything that was going on, I came clean about all my wrong doings, not taking care of the house like I was supposed to, making him feel like he couldn’t talk to me about work, all the things he complained about I proactively started to change. I didn’t want to break up our family I wanted to do whatever I needed to show him that I was willing to go the extra mile to make things work, that I wasn’t going to run like I had done before. It felt good to rid myself of everything that I had been holding onto, I meditated daily, I cleaned up after him, dinner was always made hot and ready when he came home. He didn’t even have to care for the baby, just play and love him. We had been apartment hunting, we finally found the perfect apartment I made all the arrangements to sign the paperwork. He even sent me a text saying that this fresh start was exactly what we needed. Everything was looking really promising.  It was just the calm before the storm.

It all started as misunderstanding, words taken out of context – or at least that was what it had seemed like at the time. Unfortunately we had an audience that didn’t deserve to hear the toxic words seeping from our mouths.  The Wolf was just made and he made it known, I couldn’t help but react.  We started with the passive aggressive banter, that escalated to a full on war of words.  My daughter sat in the back seat of the car just looking out as if there was nothing going on at that point I was just done with the whole situation.  I shut my mouth and just sat there but he wasn’t taking that as a signal to cease-fire.  I normally never back down from anything but the lack of respect was just too much to take.  We arrived at the house and my daughter disappeared to the safety of her room, he looked me in the eye and said I’m done, so I told him to go.  He glared at me wanting me to fight for him but I just didn’t want to anymore.  We went our separate ways for the evening not really talking the rest of the night.  Right before bed he said he wasn’t ready and for the baby and I to take the bed.

The second to the last fight we ever would have as a couple was just nasty and cruel and again my daughter had a front row (well actually back row since it was in the car) we were on the way to sing the lease on our new apartment.  I don’t even know how it started but it was by far the most intense fight ever.  He kept going on about what a terrible person I was that I didn’t care about what he was going through.  That my dad dying didn’t compare to the death of his sister.  I couldn’t keep my mouth shut the hateful words spewed out of me knowing each and every hot button to push.  He brought his A game and was equally on point.  Finally I had had enough and I told him that I thought I was pregnant again, but there was no way I would ever keep it.  The exact words I said were “for the record I wanted to tell you when things were actually calm between us but it seems like that is never going to happen so I made an appointment to take care of this situation” he asked if I was serious I told him that I was and even told him the date and time of my appointment for confirmation.  I had been holding on to this for a while, no one in my family even knew.  I was hoping that they were going to tell me I wasn’t because the last thing I wanted was another baby with this man, let alone at this point in our crumbling relationship.  He was at a loss for words for just a moment then he said to me “for the record I was going to buy you a 5 carat ring but fuck that” I laughed out loud and thought to myself that I would never be so stupid to ever marry this psychopath. The fight spun out of control he was going to drop me and the kids off at my mom’s but we had a deadline to get to the place and then for some crazy reason I begged him not to. I felt like if he did that would be the last I would see of him and all of a sudden I was desperate to keep him.  I couldn’t understand what was going on, my gut kept telling me to go home and just let it is the end but my heart kept telling me to stay.  We fought most of the way almost two hours, until finally we had exhausted ourselves.  We put on a great show for the leasing agent, all of us acting like this happy family.  She even commented how sweet we were.  After signing everything she let us explore the apartment ourselves, the Wolf whispered to me that even though we were playing like everything was great it didn’t mean anything.  The fight was far from over, after leaving it started all over again and now we had a three-hour drive to his kids’ game.  Again my poor daughter heard more than she should have ever had to.  I told him to drop us off at home but he was pissed off that we were already so late to the game.  He at one point said that he was just going to get out and walk, I told him that he should.  It kept going back and forth there seemed to be no end to the hateful shit that was spewing out of us.  When we got to the park he got out and we left.  I had no intention of coming back to get him or his kids, he had his family, he had his wallet he could figure it out on his own like he said.  But no, somehow when he asked if we could come back a few hours later I did, not even hesitating, he even bought me fruit knowing how much I like it with my last pregnancy.

I was so lost…  I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror without loathing the woman looking back at me.  Who was I? What the hell was going on in my life? Is this really where I’m supposed to be?  I couldn’t help but think that I had made a huge mistake for the last 3 years of my life.  I hoped and prayed that the pregnancy test I had taken was wrong.  I loved my son immensely but the thought of having another child with the Wolf made me sick.  I couldn’t bring another life into this world that was part of him, I didn’t even like the Wolf at this point yet I couldn’t think of a life away from him.  I felt it was too late to just walk away, we made to choice to start this family but now I felt trapped.  I couldn’t think straight anymore.

…the beginning of the end…

Life is a circle we are born, we live and then we die.  There is no way to cheat death, no matter how good I am, eventually I will die.  I have known this since I was a small child, in my lifetime I have been to numerous funerals, said goodbye to family and friends too many times.  I watched my dad die, I watched him go from being able to do one handed push-ups on a basketball in his 50’s to this frail shell of himself barely able to hold up his weight.  Fuck you cancer.

Cancer came back this time it claimed the Wolf’s sister. I tried to shield him, tried to protect him. I urged him to talk to her to spend time with her before she left.  He said he couldn’t see her like that, she was his baby sister, he helped raise her, changed her diapers, brushed her hair watched her grow.  My heart hurt for him, to see him in such pain.  I loved his sister like she was my own.  We spent hours talking about the future all the things she wanted to do in her life.  She never had the chance to grow up, no first kiss, no first love, no heartbreak, she would never experience life, all the good and bad it has to offer.

As she was dying, so were we.  We both sunk into a depression.  He would only talk about all the shit that was wrong in his life, how his boss was an asshole, how we had no money, how his parents didn’t even bother to ask how he was doing.  I tried to be the person he could come to, but I was sinking myself.  I had no one to talk to about what I was feeling.  My family and I were still disconnected, I lived far from my friends, I couldn’t burden him or his family, they were going through enough as it was.   He thought I didn’t hear him when he started telling me about how women would flirt with him, how they would swoon over the pics of him and the baby.  He always was telling me about these other women.  I took it as a sign to step up my game, be more available, be more loving, be more and more and more…

Nothing I did or said was ever right or good enough, I didn’t keep the house clean enough, I didn’t make exactly what he wanted for dinner.  I knew what he was going through, how it spirals out of control I had felt what he had felt, I knew the pain that he was experiencing.  I couldn’t reach him.  I tried to get him to talk about his feelings, I tried to tell him what I had done, I asked to go to church I kept trying but there was nothing I could do to reach him.

When his sister died we died.  Our whole relationship came crashing down.  He pulled away like I had killed her.  He didn’t even look at me anymore, he paid no attention to our son, to our kid,  he was like a zombie.  I did what I could but it was all in vain.  His work schedule changed he was getting out of work earlier, but he wasn’t come home.  He didn’t call on his lunch, there was no midday texts.  The lying started.  I just knew. I knew it in my heart but my head refused to accept.

I was diagnosed with postpartum depression, I personally don’t believe in medication and I refused to give up nursing, so I decided that I needed to find something to help me get through this.  I turned to my mother – she gave me an ultimatum let go or walk away forever.  

Damaged

Envy is an ugly monster. At some point we all feel it, some choose to let it go and be bigger than the feeling, others like myself use it as a sick motivation. I honestly hated seeing all of my friends in these wonderful relationships. I hated thinking that I was going to be a single mother. I hated that my ex-husband had a girlfriend. I hated that the Boy wasn’t ready to have a real relationship. When the Wolf came into my life I shouldn’t have even been looking. I should have been falling in love with myself, getting to know who I had become in past few years, who I wanted to be and what I really wanted out of life. But that bitch envy kept nagging in my ear, reminding me that I wasn’t getting any younger, that no one really wants to date a single mom, that I had better hurry and find someone before they realized I was damaged.

They say actions speak louder than words. But when you are so clouded by emotions like was, I thought the words would eventually become actions. The Wolf would tell me how one day he would propose to me make it this grandiose affair. That I would never forget it, that our grandchildren’s, grandchildren would still be talking about it. He said that I would never want for anything, that he would always provide for me. He said lots of beautiful words, but never did he show me anything like the pictures he would paint. I didn’t let that stop my love though, I never asked for anything more than his love and loyalty.

It’s kind of sad how much I devoted myself to him. It hurts to think I gave so much of myself up for him to be happy. I wanted nothing more than his happiness, I felt that would secure us as a couple. I always thought he felt the same, he said he did. It’s hard to think of the beginning of our relationship, I feel like I made it all up. I feel like the man that I fell in love with never existed.

Since our breakup many family and friends told me about what they saw when we were together. It wasn’t the happy, loving picture I told the world I was living in. Flashes of evil glares, possessiveness, fake emotions and even hatred. I asked my no one ever said anything- even if they had would I have listened? I don’t think at the time I would have.

Was I so blinded by love that I missed all the obvious signs? Did I not love myself enough to think I deserved better?

A love story (part 2)

Sometimes your heart takes you on a journey your mind doesn’t have a chance to process what’s really going on and when you finally come to, you are standing in the aftermath of a disaster.

The Wolf had a way with words they were intoxicating. I couldn’t get enough, he serenaded me, his words enveloped my entire being. We would talk for hours, about everything, our past, the people who came and went. The future, the life that we would create together. It was endless.

Each hour with him felt like an eternity I never wanted to leave his side. I found myself daydreaming like I had as a child. Imagining this beautiful life, becoming this mans wife. He too felt this pull the desperation of needing each other. He wrote me a love letter on stationary from the movie “The Notebook” it was sweet and loving pledging his love saying that he would save the best for our vows. With each word I fell deeper and deeper in.

Only a month or had passed and we had moved in together, put our children together created this “instant” family. Our kids were each a year apart mine the oldest, his daughter and son. Bringing kids together can be tricky especially when the two oldest are girls who were both used to being the only and oldest. This transition was hard but they seemed to like each other. What made it easier was that we had them mostly weekends only.

My daughter lived with us but she always asked to stay with my mom and I was glad to let her go….

I know what you are thinking. I look back now and think the same thoughts.

When it was just the Wolf and I life was great. We spent a lot of time hanging out smoking pot, passing time. His interests became my interests, his shows became my shows, his ideas became mine. Maybe the smoke was too thick and I didn’t see what was happening, maybe I did but I was afraid of losing him. Maybe I didn’t love myself enough and needed him to love me.

A love story (part 1)

When I met him I was broken. He said everything that I wanted to hear at moment, he made the sadness seem so much lighter.  I quickly forgot why I was crying and feeling sorry for myself.  I also forgot to listen to my gut, funny thing about intuition you should always listen – it will never steer you wrong, NEVER.

I had reservations about online dating, I just couldn’t see myself really connecting with someone who via the internet but I gave in and tried it.  It was addicting, I spent hours trying to write my “about me”, took the quizzes, analyzed the pictures I would post, did they really do me justice, was I pretty enough, did I look like I was fun to be around? It was stressful.  When I was satisfied with what I had come up with I went public with it, I got tons of guys almost immediately. Flattering but in reality they mostly were creeps, I went on a few dates. I tried to step out of my box (tall, Latin, and looks like trouble) and went out with a few Asian guys in hopes of pleasing my mother… That was interesting! I went on a date with a guy who had teeth like Jaws (James Bond 007) who had the nerve to say I wasn’t as pretty as my pictures! I left date in a hurry lol.

I was about to give up when I came across this picture of a guy and a kid with huge smiles, so I clicked on it.  I read his whole profile, he was funny, witty, sarcastic and kind of a jerk. I scanned his pictures a few times he was cute, tall, tattooed, Latin and yes he looked like trouble.  At that point I hadn’t reached out and contacted anyone but I was drawn to him by the words I had read.  I messaged him he instantly messaged back this went on for most of the night.  We kept messaging for a few days – I even went out of town to an event with my cousin (who was pissed that I spent most of the time glued to my phone).  I felt such a connection to this guy who we’ll call Wolf, he had kids, he had been married, he was close to his family, he worked for a non-profit affiliation.  On paper he was everything I thought I was looking for…

Like I mentioned earlier, when your gut tells you something you should listen but I did not.  I had this mental list of acceptable traits, looks, lifestyles but for him I threw it out the window.  I’m huge on teeth, I like nice teeth but when it came to Wolf I let it go, I never wanted to date a guy with kids and he had two… The list goes on and on.  My gut kept telling me to walk away but my head told me to keep going, he made the ache in my heart subside. I was quickly forgetting the guy who broke my heart because he wasn’t ready for a real relationship.  I have a bad habit of rushing things instead of letting them happen organically.  Wolf and I started dating immediately, we had a date set for a Saturday but I couldn’t wait I moved it to a Wednesday.

We decided our first date should be Disneyland, I told him that I would meet him at his house first and we could drive together. When I arrived at his place, which ironically was less than 5 minutes away from my ex husbands house, I text him that I was there. I waited nervously in the car and he finally came outside. Honestly I was a little shocked he was bigger than he looked in his pictures. I at this point had worked really hard on my body, I had lost about 80 lbs., I didn’t want to be shallow so I just pushed it aside. We finally met face to face it was awkward but sweet. During the car ride I could see that I made him nervous, he kept looking over at me and smiling. He was sweating from his nerves. His car smelled like cherry air freshener, which I hate so I made sure to tell him. Our first date was magical, where better than the “Happiest Place on Earth” to fall in love. We walked, talked, people watched, I know there were people there but I felt like it was just the two of us. We got to a section that was crowded and he asked to hold my hand, of course I said yes. It was like a scene from a movie and I was finally the star. I took him to my fave spot to eat, he told me how much he loved pizza so I made sure that was what we had. First impressions last a lifetime or so they say. On the way home, high off our new found love he put on a song that I still hold very close to my heart “The Light” by Common http://youtu.be/W_-qRcHAhzk
My heart skipped a beat I thought I had my sign… I had previously told a close friend that the man of my dreams would know this song and it would mean to him what it meant to me… Again the Universe had given me what I asked for (but was I clear with my words? I think we know the answer) I didn’t kiss him, kiss him just a sweet peck on the lips, didn’t want to ruin it by rushing.

Our next date (the next day) he said he wanted to cook for me. I went to his place, he didn’t have anything he needed for our meal so we went grocery shopping together. No man had ever made a meal for me on a date, I was on cloud 9 that he would do something so sweet. Walking around the market with him was funny he had no idea where anything was on top of that he confessed that my presence made him nervous, that I was so beautiful he couldn’t see why I would be there with him. I let that all go to my head, don’t get me wrong I’ve been complimented before but the way he looked at me when he said it made me weak in the the knees. This guy had a way with words he strung them together like no one had before, reeling me in. I fed off the attention he gave me and I loved that I made him nervous, he almost cut his hand while cooking because I moved in close to him just to see what would happen. I felt myself falling, giving in to my blind heart. We were inseparable from our first date. Every day that we could we spent with each other and the days that we couldn’t we text and talked at every opportunity. He was the first and last thought in my mind. My world started to revolve around him.